What should I do when someone is gaslighting me?

Question

Deeper Global · Accepted Answer

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone makes you question your own reality, memory, or perceptions. This behavior can be extremely damaging to your mental health and self-confidence, but recognizing gaslighting and learning how to respond can help you protect yourself and maintain your sense of reality.

Understand what gaslighting looks like in practice. Common gaslighting behaviors include denying things they said or did, claiming you're "too sensitive" or "overreacting," minimizing your feelings or experiences, telling you that you're "crazy" or "imagining things," rewriting history to make themselves look better, and using your insecurities against you.

Trust your own perceptions and feelings, even when someone is telling you they're wrong. If you remember something happening and someone insists it didn't, or if you feel hurt by something and they tell you that you shouldn't feel that way, trust your own experience over their version of events.

Document interactions with people who gaslight you by keeping a journal, saving text messages or emails, or recording conversations (where legally permissible). Having concrete evidence of what was said or done can help you maintain confidence in your own perceptions when someone tries to deny or minimize their behavior.

Recognize that gaslighting is about power and control, not about truth or helping you. People who gaslight others are typically trying to avoid accountability for their behavior or to maintain dominance in the relationship. Understanding this motivation can help you respond more effectively.

Avoid trying to convince the gaslighter that your version of events is correct, as this often leads to more gaslighting and manipulation. Instead of arguing about what happened, focus on how their behavior affects you and what you need from the relationship.

Set clear boundaries about what behavior you will and won't accept, and be prepared to enforce consequences when those boundaries are violated. This might mean ending conversations when gaslighting begins, limiting contact with the person, or seeking support from others.

Seek validation and support from trusted friends, family members, or mental health professionals who can provide objective perspective on your experiences. Having others confirm that your perceptions are valid can help counteract the self-doubt that gaslighting creates.

Practice grounding techniques and self-affirmation to maintain your sense of reality when dealing with gaslighting. Remind yourself of facts you know to be true, your own values and beliefs, and positive qualities about yourself that the gaslighter may be trying to undermine.

Consider whether the relationship is worth maintaining if gaslighting is a consistent pattern. While occasional misunderstandings are normal in relationships, persistent gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that can seriously damage your mental health and self-esteem.

Learn to recognize your own emotional responses to gaslighting, such as confusion, self-doubt, anxiety, or feeling like you're "going crazy." These feelings can serve as warning signs that you're being manipulated and need to protect yourself.

Avoid sharing personal information or vulnerabilities with people who gaslight you, as they may use this information against you later. Gaslighters often exploit your insecurities and past experiences to make their manipulation more effective.

Practice assertive communication by stating your perceptions and feelings clearly without apologizing for them or seeking the gaslighter's approval. Use phrases like "I remember it differently" or "That's not how I experienced it" rather than questioning your own memory.

Educate yourself about gaslighting and other forms of emotional manipulation so you can recognize these behaviors more quickly in the future. Understanding manipulation tactics can help you respond more effectively and protect yourself from psychological harm.

Consider professional help if you're struggling with the effects of gaslighting, such as anxiety, depression, or difficulty trusting your own perceptions. Therapists can help you rebuild your confidence and develop strategies for dealing with manipulative people.

Remember that you're not responsible for changing or fixing someone who gaslights you. While you can set boundaries and protect yourself, you cannot force someone else to stop manipulating you or to acknowledge their behavior.

Trust that your feelings and perceptions are valid, even if someone is telling you otherwise. You have the right to your own reality and to be treated with respect, and anyone who consistently undermines your sense of truth is not acting in your best interests.