What should I do if my partner doesn't listen to me?

Question

Deeper Global · Accepted Answer

Feeling unheard by your partner is one of the most frustrating and lonely experiences in a relationship. When your partner doesn't seem to listen, it can leave you feeling unimportant, misunderstood, and disconnected. Addressing this issue requires understanding why it's happening and developing strategies to improve communication.

Examine whether your partner is truly not listening or if they're listening but not responding in the way you expect. Some people show they're listening through body language and attention rather than verbal responses, while others might be processing what you're saying without immediately reacting.

Consider the timing and context of your conversations. Your partner might struggle to listen effectively when they're stressed, distracted, tired, or focused on other tasks. Choose times when they can give you their full attention for important conversations.

Be clear and direct about what you need from your partner when you're sharing something important. Let them know whether you want advice, emotional support, or just someone to listen. Sometimes people don't respond appropriately because they're unsure what kind of response you're seeking.

Practice getting your partner's attention before starting important conversations. Make eye contact, ask if it's a good time to talk, or say something like "I have something important I'd like to share with you." This helps ensure they're mentally present for the conversation.

Examine your own communication patterns to see if you might be contributing to the problem. Are you sharing so much information that your partner becomes overwhelmed? Are you bringing up multiple topics at once? Are you communicating at times when they're not available to listen?

Express how it affects you when you don't feel heard rather than just criticizing your partner's listening skills. Say something like "I feel disconnected from you when I don't feel heard" rather than "You never listen to me."

Ask your partner directly about their experience during conversations. They might be struggling with their own issues that affect their ability to listen, such as anxiety, depression, ADHD, or stress. Understanding their perspective can help you work together on solutions.

Create agreements about how to improve listening in your relationship. This might include putting away devices during conversations, establishing regular check-in times, or developing signals to use when someone needs to be heard.

Practice active listening yourself to model the behavior you want to see. Show your partner what good listening looks like by giving them your full attention, asking follow-up questions, and reflecting back what you hear them saying.

Consider whether there are deeper relationship issues affecting your partner's willingness or ability to listen. If they're feeling criticized, overwhelmed, or disconnected from the relationship, they might withdraw or become less engaged in conversations.

Seek couples therapy if poor listening is significantly impacting your relationship. A therapist can help identify the underlying causes and teach both of you specific skills for improving communication and connection.

Remember that good listening is a skill that can be learned and improved with practice. Be patient with your partner as they work on becoming a better listener, and acknowledge improvements when you notice them.

Focus on building overall connection and intimacy in your relationship, as partners who feel close and connected are generally more motivated to listen to and understand each other.