What should I do if my partner always takes their family's side?

Question

Deeper Global · Accepted Answer

When your partner consistently sides with their family over you, it can feel like a betrayal and create serious problems in your relationship. This pattern often indicates unclear boundaries between your partner and their family of origin, and it requires direct communication and potentially professional help to resolve.

Understand that your partner may be caught between competing loyalties and may not realize how their behavior affects you. Many people have deeply ingrained patterns of prioritizing family harmony or avoiding conflict with their parents, even when it comes at the expense of their romantic relationship.

Communicate clearly with your partner about how it feels when they side with their family against you. Use specific examples rather than generalizations, and explain the emotional impact of feeling unsupported by the person who should be your primary ally.

Help your partner understand that marriage or committed partnership requires a shift in primary loyalty from family of origin to the relationship you've created together. This doesn't mean cutting off family, but it does mean that your relationship should take priority when conflicts arise.

Examine whether you're asking your partner to choose sides unnecessarily or if you're being unreasonable in your expectations about family relationships. Sometimes the issue isn't that your partner sides with their family, but that you're expecting them to agree with you about everything.

Set clear expectations about what support looks like in your relationship. Explain that you need your partner to advocate for you and your relationship, even when it means disagreeing with their family. This might include defending you when family members criticize you or supporting decisions you've made together as a couple.

Avoid ultimatums unless the situation is truly serious and you're prepared to follow through. Demanding that your partner choose between you and their family often backfires and can damage your relationship. Instead, focus on specific behaviors and boundaries that need to change.

Consider whether your partner's family has unhealthy dynamics that make it difficult for your partner to establish appropriate boundaries. Some families use guilt, manipulation, or emotional blackmail to maintain control over adult children, making it challenging for your partner to prioritize your relationship.

Work together to establish boundaries with your partner's family that protect your relationship while maintaining appropriate family connections. This might include limits on how much family input you accept about your relationship decisions or agreements about how to handle family criticism.

Be patient with your partner as they learn to navigate these complex family dynamics. Changing long-established patterns with family takes time and practice, especially if your partner has been conditioned to prioritize family harmony above all else.

Consider couples therapy if this issue is causing significant problems in your relationship. A therapist can help your partner understand the importance of prioritizing your relationship and can provide strategies for managing family dynamics more effectively.

Evaluate whether your partner is willing and able to make the necessary changes to prioritize your relationship. If they consistently refuse to support you or establish appropriate boundaries with their family, you may need to consider whether this relationship can meet your needs long-term.

Remember that healthy relationships require both partners to create a new family unit that takes priority over their families of origin. While maintaining good relationships with extended family is important, your primary loyalty should be to each other.